blue bag part five

She looked at the clock through blurry eyes. 8:30. How had she slept so late?  It was the stress. She made sure that Buddy was gone. She hadnt even heard him leave. She went straight for the suitcase. It was still there. She put it on the bar while she made the coffee. She stared at the bag. She hated it. She loved it. She pulled the contents out again and laid it on the bar. She got her first cup of coffee and wished for a cigarette again. She had quit because they couldnt afford it. She had felt guilty buying the cigarettes when she wasnt working. She hated it. It was the hardest thing she had ever done. She could afford all the cigarettes she wanted now. As it stood she really hadnt done anything wrong. She had merely picked the bag up from the beer cooler and brought it home. She could take the bag to the lube shop. She could hand it to Jason and he would grab it with his hands that were always greasy and Mr. Rossi might even give her a reward. She could be a hero. She walked over to the desk. When the first check went into the shredder Mandy knew she had crossed a line. She couldnt go back. She could no longer make it right. Her head was pounding as she continued to shred. The deposit slip was the last to go. Now the blue bag. What would she do with that damn blue bag? She decided to keep it for now. She put the money back into it. She took out $100. She put it back. It was ridiculous. She had all this money and she was afraid to have it. She took out $200. Today was her day. She was going to splurge on herself for a change. She wasnt going to buy the generic brand. She was going to buy what she wanted. The very first thing she would buy would be a pack of  smokes. Mandy smiled and got dressed.